What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
Yo girl are you the 29th state added to America?
Because Iowanna be with anybody else
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
You make my heart skip a beet.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.