Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
I'm at my best during overtime.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Let me sell you an indulgence because it's a sin to look as good as you do.
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
It's lit.
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
"Have a hoppy Easter."
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.