"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
Yule be sorry.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
How about we get down to monkey business?
I feel tail great!
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
The Best Break Up Lines
Want to know a joke? Our relationship.
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!