The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
Want to show me how to make steamy greens?
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
If you were a basketball, I'd never pass because I want to keep you all to myself.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
Hey baby, my body's like Ontario. Yours to discover.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.