With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?
This vacation has been sand-sational!
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.