Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
Baby, you can drive my car if we let it be.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
Why settle for metaphors? How about I turn that simile into a smile?
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
Leaf me alone.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."