The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
Permission to board?
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
I don't think you can diagnose me because there's no treatment for being madly in love.
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
All stereos are so typical.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.