Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
I enjoy your company and the silence in between our yoga mats.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
Honestly, I'm into necrophilia. Wanna come home and play dead?
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Baby owl.
Baby owl who?
Baby owl see you later at my place.
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch