A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
"No wine left behind."
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
"Dying to have fun."
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Let's do lunge together
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Want to get some air? You took my breath away!
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.