Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
"Having a good hare day."
"Bugs and hisses."
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
We like to paddy.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?
We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
Give me extra time; I’ll prove to you that I’m worth it.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Propranolol is red, digoxin is blue. My heart skips a beat when I see you.
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.