What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer.
You look so good, it's like you have a permanent photoshop filter on.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!