Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
Hey baby, are you made up of dark matter? Because you’re indescribable.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
Is your mom a hooker? Cause I'm hooked on you.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
If I walked a milimeter for everytime I thought of you, I would have walked across the Earth a million times.
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
You're embarrassed by my dense pickup lines? OK, I won't continuum. I'll be more discrete.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
When a young adult goes to take a leak, does that mean they're a peenager?
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.