Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
I don't know what gate I'm boarding at, but I hope it's close to yours.
You just caused a heat wave.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn
Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
Feeling my shelf.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.