"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
Are those Guess jeans? Because guess who wants to get into them.
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Yah.
Yah who?
No, I prefer Google.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
Air resistance is a real drag.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
Funny meat-ing you here.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.