Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
I like you cherry much.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
Girl, are you fries? Because I would like you at my side.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.