You’re my heartthrob.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
The calm before the score
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.