There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!

What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.

“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland

A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.

How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.

Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!

Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.

What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.

I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.

What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.

I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.

Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you

Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.

Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.

What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around

Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes

What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.

I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.

Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.

What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...

Icy what you did there.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.

What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together

What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!

I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!

What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."

“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.

Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.

If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.

"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert

What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth

When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.

Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...

Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.

"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"

"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley

Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.

Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!