"Love the wine you're with."
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
You'll never be as well dressed as I, but I'm willing to give you second place.
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can Of Worms!
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor