"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
I smelled you down the street, and my nose brought me right to you.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
I can give you something to really be thankful about!
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.