What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
"Bone to be wild."
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
Your eyes look like dark black holes, buI can't help but to be drawn in.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.