Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
The huddle is real
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
Dominic Pick-Up Lines
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
Nothing really mattress.
Just brew it!
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim