Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
I'd start a revolution for your number.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!