Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
You octopi my thoughts.
Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.