What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
I was going to read Proverbs 31, but then I realized I could just study you instead.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
It's getting warmer and the snow is melting. Time for me to melt your heart.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
Boy: You know quickie has u And i together.
Girl: Too bad ugly starts with a u.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.