“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
I love you meow and forever.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!