Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
So, what do you turn into at midnight?
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
Are you a pot-head? Because weed be cute together
I have no shelf control.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Girl, we must be a bipartite graph, because I just thought of an efficient algorithm for finding an optimal matching for the two of us.
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.