What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
I can sea clearly now.
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!