What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box

Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.

Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?

Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous

What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.

Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett

"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."

A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”

I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.

Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...

I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”

When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.

I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!

Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.

I like your tight end

Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.

What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.

What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.

What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.

Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.

What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse

I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.

What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.

When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!

What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.

Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.

An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."

They figured it was the best way to break the ice.

I want your flesh rocket in my hot pocket.

Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.

Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!

Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.

Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.

A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T

"Just one hot chick."

People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.

“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown

What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.

I was hoping you’d text first, but clearly Abby-t you to it

Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.

Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”

I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.