How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
I think we'd make a cute pear.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
Wanna go out sometime? I think we’d have Avery fun time together
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown