Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
This is one spray-cation to remember.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
This foundation is rock salad.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
You’re the only (cutie) pie I need.
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
We bee-long together.
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
I’m elf-taught.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey