"You had me at merlot."
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
Hey there cyclist, want to go on a morning ride?
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
For instant fun, just add water.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble