I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
That crazy little sun of a beach.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
You’re the only (cutie) pie I need.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
Fairies just spell trouble.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.