I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
"Some bunny loves you."
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
Baby you make my telescope expand.
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
The goal nine yards
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
Hello Boo-tiful.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.