What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
I like you a latke!
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
interrupting doctor.
interr…
You've got cancer.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
You are the object of my preposition.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti