A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
You can stand under my umbrella.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
If you date me, you'll eventually see a diamond.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
Its not the length of the vector that counts, its how you apply the force.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
Your hold on my heart is perennial, I’ll keep coming back always.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
I'm pine-ing for you.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
I like you cherry much.