How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Hey, want to get together sometime since we both have unpaired electrons?
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
Baby, there ain't no placebo for what I can give you.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
Are you a chocolate cake? I’m craving something sweet.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
Believe in your elf.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.