If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
My weekend is fully booked.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
You're the macaroni to my cheese.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
This coffee is too strong. How about a kiss because you are the only sugar I need.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”