“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface

What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.

It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.

Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.

“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”

Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.

Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?

“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”

My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.

What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.

My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)

Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated

"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous

Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.

What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.

here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.

Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.

"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."

- John Mayer, 'Who Says'

What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.

Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.

But it’s actually a common mist-conception.

A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time

Is it me or is there an interaction between us?

Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.

Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!

How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees

“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous

"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx

What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!

Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."

Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"

Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."

They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.

"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso

When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.

What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!

What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.

Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.

I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.

Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.

“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly

When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.

Without you, I’d disintegrate.

You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.

When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.

Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.

What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.

We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.

"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens