Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.