Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.

"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes

Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!

What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”

The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.

When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.

The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.

What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!

What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.

“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”

I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.

What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.

“I am hungary.”

“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”

“I’m russian to the kitchen.”

“Is there any turkey?”

“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”

“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”

Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.

(Ogden Nash)

Clean clams crammed in clean cans.

The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.

Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!

Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.

How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft

“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser

What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!

What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.

What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!

Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”

Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.

Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.

These decorations are tree-mendous.

Your gravitational pull is irresistible!

When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!

Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.

"Nobel Prize for Mothers"

Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.

Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!

And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!

You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!

What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.

What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.

Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.

When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!

If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?

Are you glitter? Because you add sparkle to my life

What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.

Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.

"Alcohol you later."

Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.

My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"

What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.

My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.

I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.