Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
You can have that last bag of chips if I can bag your number.
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?
Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
It takes one to snow one.
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
I give roughing a whole new definition.
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
In space, no one can hear us scream.
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.