What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
Hey baby, wanna witness a gamma ray burst?
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
"A Parent’s Prayer"
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,
Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
– David Axton
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.