Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
I love you deerly.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
"There's no bunny like you."
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
I'll light your fire for you if you want!
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.