Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
Me without you is like a sneaker without laces.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
I’ve got my ion you, baby.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on