Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
Can I hiber-mate with you?
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
"You bake me crazy."
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?
Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
Irish you were beer.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?