On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
Wanted to use a cheesy pickup line but toBrianna-st with you, I think puns are sort of ovedone
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Can I be one of the men in your box?
Can’t believe I’ve gone this long in my life without Ben by your side
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Wow, you have a the chin of Superman. I bet you could take a serious punch.