They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
Excuse me, there has been a heartbreak incident and I need your number to solve it.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
Did you know that chemists do it on the table periodically? Let’s be chemists for a day!
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.