A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
Rudder valve reversals
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.