My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
"I'm eggs-hausted."
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
Are you a red light because stop.
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
Let's boomerbang!
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
You’ve been working too yard.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.