Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
It takes one to snow one.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
I'd drink your bathwater.